5 Dutch Expressions about Animals
My quest to contribute to the English language continues. Like water slowly hollowing out a stone, I am determined to leave a lasting legacy, in the form of some of the best Dutch expressions that it would be a shame not to adopt in your - let’s face it - already quite a patchwork quilt of a language.
Of course I cannot do this alone. Here are five(ish) Dutch expressions about animals for you to feed into your daily conversations, with handy role plays to practice at home!
Finding the dog in the pot
“Holy shit, it’s nearly six o’clock! I’d better get home or I’ll find the dog in the pot.”
Marlies is late leaving work and if she doesn’t hurry up, dinner will have been eaten / chucked in the bin in a fit of rage by her partner whose turn it was to cook.* Alternatively, as the expression suggests, it might be the dog who finds the food going cold on the table and sticks his greedy snout in the pot.
*Great pains have been taken in this role play to accurately reflect the egalitarian Dutch lifestyle. None of this “housewife/house-husband”-nonsense. You both make mess so you both clean. You both need food so you both cook.
2. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve!
“I don’t like this bar, why don’t we go to Odessa?”
“Ah no, they microwave their food, this place has an actual kitchen.”
“Yeah but… the beer is cheaper in Odessa… and… they have nicer… table cloths-”
“Why are you pushing so hard to— wait a minute. It’s Friday. Frits is working in Odessa tonight, isn’t he?”
“Nooooo - Maybe. Yes. Yes he is working tonight and I want to see him.”
“NOW the monkey comes out of the sleeve!”
Well it took a while but finally the truth is revealed. Lily just wanted to go to that place so she could gaze adoringly at Frits as he expertly draws half pints of golden Dutch beer - with a good head of foam, of course, he’s not a monster.
3. Ant fuckers and the like
Yeah I’m a pedant, so what? I happen to enjoy putting salt on every snail.
In the Netherlands, people like me who enjoy picking everything you say apart to point out all the tiny inaccuracies, are referred to as mosquito sifters or, and this is my favourite, ant fuckers.
It is a fiddly, precision job, but someone’s got to do it. How else will we get more ants?
4. Staring the cat out of the tree
“How was her first day at school?”
“Ah well. I think she enjoyed herself, but she didn’t say much.”
“That’s okay. She does prefer to stare the cat out of the tree at first.”
Katharina is a cautious child. She is not one to leap in and make ten best friends on day one. She looks and listens and works out whether you’re a dickhead first. Katharina is wise.
5. Buying a cat in the bag
“Oh no! This Xbox doesn’t come with controllers, and it is actually such an old model that I can’t play any of my games on it!”
“Looks like you bought a cat in the bag again, Derek.”
Poor Derek is always being taken by the nose. Like that time they sold him beets for lemons.
Also don’t laugh, Derek was a very ordinary boy’s name when I was at school in the eighties and nineties okay?
Well, here’s your homework, class: see if you can slip these into your next Zoom call or family row. Remember that good, clear communication is for pussies and the highest conversational art is to always be so oblique that there is only ever one person who will know what you mean - preferably someone who is not in the room at the time.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!